mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
