I think my vagina is haunted
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
