i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
