Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
