I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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