I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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