Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
