He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
