So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
