i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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