I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
