peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
