Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
