Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
