Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
