I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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