MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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