we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
