I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
