i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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