The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
