I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
