imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
