1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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