I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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