It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Mom said you looked used
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
