The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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