We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
