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I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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