I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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