It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Randomize
