Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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