sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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