The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
