took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
In other news, I just burned my penis
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
