I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
