Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
