Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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