There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
