I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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