Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
