i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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