I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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