There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
