also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
