This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
