You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
