Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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