I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i need to put some appletini on your dick
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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