i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have feelings that need drinking.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
