You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
