A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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