you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
