is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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