What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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