I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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