I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
