JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
